Confederate Statue Hangs Itself In Apparent Suicide
RALEIGH, NC — In a baffling case, Raleigh Police Officers responded to reports of a hanged man in the center of downtown Raleigh. After a brief investigation, they determined that it was a statue and that, sadly, it was all self-harm.
“Normally you wouldn’t see something like this so public, which leads me to believe that he was so sad, so down, that ultimately he was battling demons the way the Confederacy battled the Union,” quipped officer Carl Winslow, but not the one from Family Matters, a completely different Carl Winslow.
Reporters arrived on scene to a bunch of people who apparently were not witness as they scurried away with what looked like cranes and ropes and battering rams.
“I think what did him in was years of crippling loneliness and that denied admission as a permanent fixture in a museum,” coughed Hatfield McCoy, an emaciated protester who promised me he would get some food after the protests ended.
“It just shows you how fragile life really is, you know? One minute, you’re a rushed revisionist response to the civil rights movement, the next you’re a dangling street light ornament, but hey, we’re ready for Hopscotch now!” touted NC State Wolfpack freshman, Christofer Hartling.
“He’s with the Weeping Angels now,” said Meredith Meredith, a student getting her MRS degree at Meredith College and descendant of plantation owners who doesn’t let that disadvantage hold her back. “We won’t blink in your honor.”
This satire piece was written by Jimmy Murray, stand-up comedian, D-List YouTuber, and voice of the KFPN podcast network.
